29th
Sheeple
“Your honour,
The account of events just given in this court contained many glaring inaccuracies, of which I shall speak presently. As a start, may I make it clear to the jury that my shipwreck upon your fair isle was entirely misadventurous. The fleece which I was wearing was not intended to be a disguise, it was purely a practical garment. Upon stepping foot onto dry land, I immediately caught sight of a sheep in quite some distress as its head was stuck in what appeared to be a badger’s sett. I immediately came to the animal’s aid by standing behind it, holding on to its shoulders and repeatedly attempting to break it free of its ostrich-like pose. May it be pointed out that I was fully clothed at this point, the sex organs of a human being concealed beneath two layers of material, typically cotton.
The grunts and profanities could be attributed to my poor level of physical fitness, and I assure you not a sign of any pleasure on my part. When a number of sheep in blue uniforms arrived, I must admit in my confusion that I panicked and did attempt to escape, resisting arrest. This was due, not to wrongdoing on my part, but to my sheer surprise at seeing civilised behaviour amongst sheep. This court should be aware that on the mainland of the United Kingdom, sheep are still subservient to their human masters; they have not yet thrown off the shackles of totalitarian rule.”
Raucous baaing filled the chamber, the judge called for order. Baa after indignant baa rang throughout the underground complex of tunnels and a clamour built up into a thunderous roar. It became clear that the sheep were arming themselves for war.
Nets made from entwined plaits of wool were produced from dark rooms in the cavern complex. Hollowed tree trunks, lined with fleece, were launched into the wild ocean. The sheep were angry, and their wrath was for a single purpose: to enslave mankind.
The HMS Ovinissimus was crammed full of furious sheep, their expressionless faces hiding their sense of anger and injustice. The captain began singing a traditional sheepy song, a song of grass and sky:
“Baa baa baa baa,
baa baa baa baa…
Baa baa baa baa baa,
baa baa baa… BAA!”
The humans of the mainland of the United Kingdom did not know it yet, but they were buggered. Nothing can stop a sheep army, as soldiers are incapicitated by confusion and bewilderment. Woollen cannons fire sheepy poo and chewed-up grass is spat in the face of any who stand in their way. It was only a matter of weeks before all of the mainland of the United Kingdom was under sheepy rule. Males were farmed for their luxurious hair, females for their delicious milk.
But the funny thing was, welsh sheep were still accused of shagging humans.
